Here it is - cut, pasted & deserving to be lambasted:

EbayWordPlay! (Spicy introductions for mundane listings I have had on eBay, intended to induce higher bids and/or vomiting. Intros pertaining to topical events - or any of these intros, for that matter - may or may not make sense to sane individuals)

For an old Fender Vibrolux amplifier:
"If vintage tone was fake tequila, this amp would make you puke!"

For a pair of JBL guitar speakers:
"If great tone was a staph infection, these speakers would have me covered in pus-oozing boils!!"

For a "Featherweight" guitar case:
"If durability & light weight were fecal hoarding, this case would be full of it."

For an old Stratocaster pickup:
"If vintage Strat tone was a sore penis, you couldn't beat this pickup."

For an old POS guitar pickup:
"If warm vintage tone was cold pizza, you'd eat this pickup after a long night of drinking."

For a "Monterey" model Harmony mandolin, in poor condition:
"If this instrument's condition was a West Coast oil spill, then Monterey, California would be covered in slimy dead birds & Nancy Pelosi."

For a cheapo Epiphone bass:
"If thunderous low-frequency response was genital herpes, the "Rock Bass" would NOT abstain during outbreaks!"

For a Fender collectable lunch box:
"If vintage vibe was rabies, this lunch box would make you endure a painful series of injections!"

For a set of EMG active bass pickups:
"If funky, fat bass tone was the diet pill, "Alli", these pickups would require that the only color in your pants wardrobe be brown."

For an old Kay arch top electric guitar:
"If full-bodied electric blues was a Colorado River Toad, each lick played on this guitar would get you high!"

For a Seymour Duncan "Hot Rails" guitar pickup:
"If scorching lead guitar tone was smoke, I'd play this pickup while tending my bee hives."

For a Fender '70s-model guitar pickup:
"If '70s vibe was a loaded gun, this pickup would kill students at Kent State."

For some old amp vacuum tubes:
"If tubal ligation was tubal litigation, this listing would be 'tied up' in court."

More amp vacuum tubes:
"If these tubes are actually in a VACUUM, I'll need to empty my BAG before shipping...may I see you in the bedroom, there, missy?"

For an Epiphone guitar:
"If a guitar's condition was a candy cane, this Epiphone would be mint!"

For a Lawrence "SwampKaster" guitar:
"If authentic swamp tone was fishing bait, Tony Joe White would be trolling the Everglades with this guitar."

For a miniature light bulb "grab bag":
"If light bulbs are really bright ideas, then Thomas Edison invented cartoons."

For a resistor/capacitor "grab bag":
"If filter caps were testicles, I'd always be draining mine." (Ed. Note:Filter caps hold high voltages & need to be drained/discharged before working on an amp)

For a set of Mexican-made guitar pickups:
"If Mexican Tele pickups were Mexican tap water, you'd do fast runs - but not necessarily on your guitar!"

For a set of drums:
"If great drum sounds were cellulite, this kit would be Jennifer Love Hewitt's butt."

For (2) Yamaha KS10 compact powered monitor speakers:
"If monitor speakers were lizards, they'd be monitor lizards."

For a vintage '60s Sears Danelectro guitar & amp-in-case:
"If garage band mojo was tuberculosis, this axe would have you jammin' in an iron lung."

For a vintage '60s Sunn Studio PA guitar amp head:
"If loud, raucous rock & roll volume was a road map, this amp would be located on the HIGHWAY TO HELL!!"

For cheap set of pickups:
"If vintage single coil tone was sheer lunacy, these pickups would be shipped in straight jackets."

For an amplifier attenuator:
"If attenuation was perspiration, the MiniMASS would give you embarrassing underarm stains."

For a collection of 8-track tapes:
"If musical nostalgia was peanut butter, these tapes would get chewing gum out of your hair...& off the bed post, overnight."

For a Chandler Jazz Bass pickup:
"If fine vintage bass tone was a vehicle, this pickup would be a truck."

For a complicated amp foot switch:
"If natural selection was made with a complex foot switch, this one would be an Oedipus complex."

For a 5-way guitar switch:
"If a 5-way switch was 5-way chili, this one would give you (1) gas, (2) bloating, (3) belching, (4) acid reflux & (5) flatulence."

For a tremolo guitar bridge gadget:
"If '80s heavy metal was World War I, "divebombers" would not be wearing Spandex pants."

For a '70s guitar amp distortion gadget, "The Ice Cube":
"If vintage guitar sustain was hip hop, Ice Cube would have nothing on 'The Ice Cube'."

For a Peavey "Blue Marvel" guitar speaker:
"If classic comic book heroes were great guitar tones, then the 'Green Lantern' would be the 'Blue Marvel'."

For a Godin guitar with 3-way pickup system:
"If guitar versatility was a blizzard, the LGX-SA would be full of Butterfinger chunks."

For an old Fender guitar speaker:
"If wonderful high volume vintage tone was 'ugly', you'd name this speaker 'Betty'."

For an amplifier reverb tank:
"If thunderous noise was good sex, you'd like to bang this reverb tank." (when you hit an amplifier with the reverb on, it makes a loud, thunder-type noise).

For an old guitar pickup cover:
"If vintage vibe was a truck camper shell, this item would be a pickup cover."

For a speaker from a Peavey Windsor Studio amp:
"If Windsor Studio was a whiskey marketed for musicians, this speaker would be intoxicating."

For a guitar with the model designation 'FAT':
"If a 'Flamed Ash Top' was truly 'FAT', this guitar would need 'The Glycemic Advantage'--whatever the hell that is."

For a cheapo 12-string guitar:
"If rich acoustic rhythms were expensive whores, Eliot Spitzer would play this guitar until forced to resign from office & sell 'bondage-light' equipment online."

For a Gretsch '50s-retro-look guitar:
"If retro guitar vibe was a seal, Fred Gretsch would balance my balls on the end of his nose."

For a pair of guitar pickup covers with no holes for magnet poles:
"If guitar pickups need ventilation, these covers may cause auto-erotic pickup asphyxiation."

For a guitar tuning key (aka, "tuner"; "Guitar tuners" are also devices used to show you the correct notes of your guitar strings, most are now digital):
"Among the two types of guitar tuners, this would be the one that is not digital."

For a guitar tailpiece with tuning thumb-screws on it:
"This tailpiece is to fine-tuning like Naomi Campbell is to phone-throwing."

For ANOTHER guitar tailpiece with tuning thumb-screws on it:
"This tailpiece is to fine-tuning like Russell Crowe is to phone-throwing."

For an "Accutronics" amp reverb tank:
"Accutronics is to reverb what Britney Spears is to public pubic exhibition."

For a 3-spring (vs. standard 2-spring) Accutronics reverb tank:
"A 2-spring reverb to a 3-spring reverb is what saltpeter is to Viagra."

For a National Tri-Cone resonator guitar:
"If resonators were vibrators, every woman would have a Tricone on her nightstand."

For a Taylor 314CE acoustic guitar:
"Taylor knows great action like I know 'Action Comics'."

For several bottles of glucosamine supplement:
"If effective pain relief was criminal bail, I'd bond out with Syn-Flex!"

For a Stratocaster bridge plate:
"This bridge plate knows hardened steel like I know hardened genitalia."

For a set of Fender Stratocaster bridge saddles:
"Fender knows adjustable saddles like I know my Craftmatic Adjustable Bed."

For a Stratocaster tremolo inertia block:
"If this part had a chip in it, it'd be a chip off the old block."

For a Digitech guitar processor:
"Digitech knows digital processors like I know destitute prostitutes."

For a new Jensen guitar speaker:
"If warm vintage tone was hemophilia, the P12Q would sound bloody good!"

For an old "Oahu" lap steel guitar:
"Oahu knew lap steels like I know lap dances."

For a Jensen British-style guitar speaker:
"If the Mod 12-70 sounded any more British, you'd serve fish 'n' chips in its cone."

For a Gotoh single bass tuning key:
"If bass tuners were pain relievers, you'd apply this one directly to your headstock."

For a pair of Seymour Duncan brand guitar pickups:
"Seymour Duncan knows pickups like I know Duncan Hines® Family Style Chewy Fudge Brownie Mix."